


Always You

by Queenie_004



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergent, Dating Contracts, Don't copy to another site, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, JUST KISS ALREADY, Making Up, POV Alternating, Romantic Angst, Romantic Gestures, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25387627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenie_004/pseuds/Queenie_004
Summary: A "TATB: PS I Still Love You" Fix-it ficDid you have issues with PSISLY the movie?So did I.I fixed it for us.You're welcome. 😘I'm wastin' my time when it was always you, always you
Relationships: Peter Kavinsky/Lara Jean Song-Covey
Comments: 62
Kudos: 186





	1. Pull You Back

**Author's Note:**

> **TATB Movie > PSISLY Press Tour > PSISLY Movie > TATB Books**
> 
> The above "equation" is how I feel about this universe. I was so excited for the sequel but also wary because of how much I disliked both Peter and Lara Jean in the second book. On first viewing I was - let's say - not thrilled. I wrote a long Tumblr rant about it to get it out of my system but instead of posting it I decided the best way to work through my disappointment was to just fix the hell out of everything I didn't like in the second movie.
> 
> So I've "remedied" things that bothered me and outright changed one thing that I _hated_. I've watched the movie a second time since finishing this and I now think it holds up better than my initial viewing. I hope if you had the same problems I had with the second sequel that this will make you feel a little better about it.

_And it comes rushing back_ _  
as the moment passed  
Make me wanna grab your hand  
and pull you back_

Peter is aimlessly driving around town with Trevor and Greg who are shit talking and laughing, arguing over songs on the radio and mock fighting between the front seats of his Jeep. He doesn’t want to be here listening to them, but he doesn’t know where else to be. He’s too broken about losing Lara Jean – again – and this time maybe for good. This time there’s another option for her. And this option isn’t complicated like Josh Sanderson was.

His phone buzzes in the cup holder and at the next stoplight he checks it:

_We need to talk. Can you meet me at the usual place in 20 min?_

“Guys…” he raises his voice, “GUYS – I’m dropping you at Greg’s, I gotta be somewhere.”

* * *

His leg is restless under the table and he probably shouldn’t have had the coffee he just downed or the refill he agreed to. His head is a mess and he’s anxious what she has to say, what he knows he needs to say to her. He’s scrolling through his phone to distract himself, so he doesn’t notice she’s there until he hears the thud of her bag on the floor and she says, “Hey.”

“Hey” he motions to the seat across from him and she shakes her head.

“I need a muffin for this conversation” she heads to the counter and he nods wordlessly and looks back down at his phone while she orders, nothing he’s seeing on the small screen registering anything in his brain.

She returns with her usual blueberry lemon muffin that he knows she won’t finish. Before he would have finished it when she pushed it away half eaten. Before when he loved her, and they would come to this bakery before school and kiss and whisper and feed each other and do all sorts of cheesy first love things. Before he made this mess with her and lost Lara Jean because of it. Before, before, before.

“So, Gen what do you want to talk about?” He puts his phone down but leaves it face up in case Lara Jean texts him even though that hasn’t happened in days and his hope is dimming that she ever will again.

Gen pulls at the muffin wrapper and doesn’t make eye contact with him. “I’m sorry about you and Lara Jean.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” He huffs, “you’ve always been our biggest fan.”

She shakes her head, “I didn’t think you’d break up. I know how much you…” she hedges over the word to use and then forges on, “…care about her. I know you hate hurting people that you care about.”

Peter drapes his arm over the back of his chair, “funny thing is, apparently I’m really good at it. Hurting the people I _love_.” She may not want to use the word but he sure as hell will.

Gen shakes her head, “no, you’re not. Don’t think that about yourself Peter, because it’s not true.” She chews quietly and then says, “I saw her. We had a talk. A long overdue one.”

“Lara Jean?” he asks with confusion in his voice. “When?”

“She texted me and asked to meet her at the tree house.”

Peter groans, “that fucking tree house.”

“It wasn’t your finest moment” Gen sighs, “John Ambrose didn’t deserve that.”

He fixes her with a look, “I am _very_ aware what an asshole I was, thanks. Do I want to know what you two talked about?”

“I told her what’s going on with my parents and how you’ve been helping me deal with that and that the hug that my sneaky bitch of a cousin snapped of us was not anything romantic at all. I exonerated you.”

Peter taps his thumb against the table. “Did she believe you?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“So why haven’t I heard from her?”

She shakes her head, “I can’t answer that. She’s sad Peter, really sad and she told me something…I don’t know if she’d want me to tell you this, but I think you should hear it.” He leans across the table anxious to get any glimpse into what could be going through Lara Jean’s head. “She has big hang-up about us – that you are always going to choose me over her – that you’re always comparing us in your head and she’s coming up short.”

Peter shakes his head, “she brings you up all the time, I don’t know how to convince her otherwise.”

Gen laughs sharply, “come on, you have to admit it’s not like we haven’t given her reasons to feel that way.”

He fixes her with dark eyes, “I love _her_. Just her. And we haven’t done anything. I’ve given you some advice about your parents and let you cry on my shoulder. That’s it. I’m not cheating. I’ve never cheated on her – or on you either for the record, I’m not an asshole, Genevieve.”

“Right.”

“Woah – _what?_ Did we fuck recently and I have no memory of it?”

She narrows her eyes at him, “don’t be a dick to me! I didn’t come here to fight with you. But since you’re so eager to play innocent, do you care to explain why she thinks you were waiting for _me_ in the hot tub on the ski trip? Why the hell would you tell her that?”

Peter drops his face into his hands and presses his heels into his eyes until it almost hurts. “I was mad.”

“You were _mad_? You know I didn’t take the video Peter. I did the rest of it, but I had no idea you were there.”

“We were fighting and she was blowing the photo of us way out of proportion and I blurted that you posted the video and she just – fuck, she accused me of waiting for you that night and I didn’t try and change her mind. I was pissed that she’d even think that, and she already had one foot out the door to McClaren’s anyway. It felt like she was looking for an excuse to cut me out and I’m the dumbass who made it easy for her.”

“Sounds like you’re justifying what you said and look, I apologized to her about the video. It was a shitty thing to do and we should have told her. It was wrong to keep her in the dark and I’m sorry it caused an issue for you but letting her think she was one of two options that night is all on _you_. We both know there was only one option for you, and it was her. It’s always going to be her, and I get that now.”

He looks at her, “well, ain’t hindsight a great fucking thing?”

She ignores his sarcasm, “if it makes you feel any better, she’s come to a realization that you’re not the one hung up on me – it’s her.”

He sighs, “I don’t know what to do. I have messed it up so badly I can’t even see how to fix any of it.”

“I know a place to start” she says quietly as he looks at her with hopeful eyes, “I don’t think we should be in each other’s lives anymore. Trying to maintain a friendship doesn’t feel like it’s a good thing for you and Lara Jean.”

Peter is silent as he realizes what she’s saying. “Are you serious?”

She nods, “we all need to do our part here – she is working on not fixating on our former relationship and I am going to walk away so you can have what you want. You’re my first love, Peter – I’ll always have that and cherish it so much” she reaches for his hands and then pauses and pulls them back, “and you’ve been a good friend to me listening to my bullshit about my parents and keeping my secret about the video. But it’s costing you – and it’s hurting someone who I think we’ve both hurt enough. And to be honest, I’m tired of being mad about you and her. I have enough to deal with at home, this is just – it’s not helping anything.”

“Gen” his voice is soft, “you’re a fighter…this isn’t what you do…you don’t walk away.”

“You’re not mine to fight for anymore, Peter. But I do care about you, so I want to say one last thing – please tell Lara Jean the truth. Tell her what you said about the ski trip was not true, tell her exactly what’s in your heart. You’re a fighter too – so if you love her as much as you say – you need to fight for her. OK?”

He nods his head and takes a deep breath, “maybe you and Lara Jean will be friends again now?”

She gives him a half smile, “I guess stranger things have happened, but no one should hold their breath on that.” He does take her hands then and gives them a squeeze. She looks down at their them and blinks a few times and he can hear the waver in her voice when she speaks, “Um I’m getting up now and you are going to take your phone and delete my number after the door closes behind me. And when we see each other at school we’re just going to be polite but that’s it. OK?”

“OK” his voice is soft, “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. I did love you Gen. So much.”

She stands and picks up her bag, “I know. Thanks for everything Peter Kavinsky” and she turns and leaves the bakery. He watches her head left and out of view and when he glances at the space she just occupied he sees that for the first time ever she’s finished the entire muffin.

* * *

He heads out of the bakery and gets in his car appreciating the silence of not having his buddies in there distracting him from thinking over what just happened. He understands painfully well now how in his desire to always keep people happy and be liked by everyone – he has fumbled almost every step of the way in his relationship with Lara Jean. He thought he was protecting her about the video, but she saw it as lying. He wanted to be there for someone who needed him, but she saw it as him sneaking around with his ex. And then he straight out lied to her – lashed out because he didn’t like what she was saying and let her believe that the first truly intimate moment they shared was entirely due to her having better timing than his ex.

He hates himself so much right now.

He thinks of the time capsule party at the tree house and the realization that Lara Jean had planned it with McClaren – how it became clearer and clearer that she had failed to disclose that Peter was her boyfriend. He could actually feel her sending out vibes not to reveal it and that stirred up something dark inside, something he liked to pretend he didn’t have in him but he absolutely did – a cruel streak.

He brought up John’s stutter – _dick move_. He slipped into being a dominating jock asshole who did what he wanted without considering anyone else around him and finished the pizza that he hadn’t even paid for. And then with a flourish of pure assholery he had asserted Lara Jean was his girlfriend and the look on John’s face and the feel of Lara Jean’s body stiffening next to his had made him feel better, made him feel superior as the only one being honest. Yeah, being cruel came a little too easy to him when he felt threatened and he wasn’t just having trouble swallowing this fact, he was fucking choking on it.

* * *

He parks outside her house and kills the engine. Driving around and thinking for hours had not brought him any closer to knowing what to say to her – but the pressure of not saying anything at all was getting to him. He picks up his phone to text and ask if he can come in, but he pauses on the picture that’s on his lock screen of them eating cotton candy at the carnival. It had been a perfect night after a rough start with him nearly standing her up at the coffee shop because of practice and his shit planning. But once they got there it was almost magical – the rides and food and games made them both feel like kids again. Giddy on sugar and adrenaline they had laughed and kissed all night and he felt so intensely connected to her it was intoxicating. It was a feeling he thought he would get to experience with her so many more times than just that one incredible night.

He decides to take his chances and knock on the door. Kitty opens it and gives him a bright smile, making him wonder if she even knows he and Lara Jean broke up.

“Hi!” she says, “where have you been?”

He musters a smile, “uh…nowhere good. How are things?” 

She nods, “fine except for my sister moving around the house like a ghost and crying behind closed doors.”

His face falls, “so you know.”

She shakes her head, “not really. I know something happened with you guys, but she won’t tell me what.” She pokes at the door frame with a socked toe, “will you? Tell me?”

He sighs, “I don’t think Lara Jean would like that. And I’ve done enough to upset her already.” Kitty nods her head sadly. “Is she home?”

"No. She’s…” she pauses, and he can tell she’s weighing whether she should give him any info. He feels even worse that he’s dragged her kid sister into this. Especially when Kitty has been such an ally to him from the start.

“Don’t worry,’ he says quickly, “you don’t need to be in the middle of this, just forget I asked, OK? I wasn’t even here.” He gives her a reassuring smile, “take care Kitty. I’ll see you around.” He turns and starts to head down the walkway and she calls out after him.

“Peter! Are you two just fighting or did you break up?”

He stops at the same spot where he’d celebrated taking Lara Jean on a “perfect” first date and turns back shaking his head, “I uh…I think we’re over.”

She steps out onto the porch, “if you tell me what happened, I can help you fix it! I made it so you could be together in the first place, I can do it again.”

He goes back to her and puts his hands on her shoulders, “Kitty, there’s nothing you need to do. This is all on me and I’m going to try and do what I can to fix it, but I don’t know if it will be enough.”

She bites her lip and makes another plea, “look, I have been working on getting my dad to ask out our neighbor Mrs. Rothschild – I mean, Trina – she’s divorced so not really a Mrs. – but anyway, I made a plan and it’s totally working. They have a date tonight and everything! So, with them squared away I can help you with Lara Jean. I want to. She’s so happy with you Peter and I miss having you around.”

He pulls her into his arms and hugs her, “you are awesome Kitty, I hope you know that.” He lets her go, “that’s really cool about your dad and the neighbor. He’s a good guy, he deserves to have someone in his life.”

“You deserve my sister” she says softly and he leans down and gives her a kiss on the forehead.

“I’m not sure I do, but thanks for thinking the best of me, kid. I gotta get going.” He turns and heads to his Jeep and as he’s putting the key in his ignition, he hears a thump and looks up to see Kitty standing in front of his car.

“She’s at Belleview” she yells, “she’s putting on that dance tonight.”

He’d forgotten all about that. He nods and gives her a thumbs up and she returns the gesture along with a big grin and moves back on to the curb, waving at him as he pulls away.

* * *

Her locket is at school. He’d shoved it into the rear of his team locker after the aquarium trip because it physically hurt him to have it back. He hadn’t wanted it back, would never have asked her for it. But as they stood there together in painful silence, he watched her touching it as she stared at the water and he felt a breath of hope – that if she was still wearing it then they still had a chance. But then her eyes had caught his and she’d asked if he wanted it back and his heart hurled into his rib cage and he wanted to cry but instead he’d simply said yes, he did and he still doesn’t know why he said it.

When she couldn’t get it off and he’d offered to help his hands trembled at being so close to her again, close enough to touch but he couldn’t, she wasn’t his to touch anymore. Moving the dark cascade of her hair over her shoulder felt so intimate – as if he could just press his lips to the small patch of skin above the collar of her sweater and leave a tender kiss there. The moments had slowed as he undid the clasp and moved his hands around to catch the necklace as it fell from her neck. He could see her breathing intensify as her shoulders rose and fell and he ached for this to be a different timeline, one where they were holding hands as they explored the exhibits, her giggling as he buried his face into her neck nuzzling her and her pressing against him as she whispered in his ear.

On the bus on the return trip to school she had walked right past him to sit further back and he had a painful stab of memory of her doing the same to him on the ski trip bus, although at least that time she acknowledged his existence. Trevor rattled on to him the whole ride about Chris and he barely listened, his fingers pressing the locket into his palm for so long that when they got back to school and he opened his hand, the clasp had left an indentation on his skin that stayed there for what felt like hours.

He’s trying the doors to get into the gym and none of them are opening. He needs to get the necklace. It feels essential that he has it in his hands again even though he still has no idea what the hell he’s doing, no plan for what’s next. Nothing is open so he heads to the front door of the building, luckily open on a Saturday for the final rehearsals for the annual musical. He moves down the quiet halls quickly heading to the locker rooms and slides out his phone to text the assistant coach, _I left my training book in my locker – need to study for Wednesday’s game – can I get the door combo?_

He gets the numbers just as he’s reaching the door for the team locker room. He punches them in and heads to his locker. Reaching in he searches for the familiar feel of the oval locket and he holds it out and stares at it dangling in front of him. He’s going to return it to her whether she wants him back or not, he wants her to have it. He needs for her to have something tangible to prove that he loves her, that for a crazy short time they were a real couple.

* * *

He can’t sleep. Hasn’t been able to really, since their fight and it shows on his face – he looks exhausted and can’t stand the idea of twisting in his sheets another night. He gets out of his bed to close the shade because the neighbor has left his outdoor floodlights on again and they shine into his bedroom. When he reaches the window, he sees a blanket of white on the ground below and looks back up into the sky to see that it’s snowing. Only a few days ago it was warm out and birds were chirping and now there are snowflakes falling.

His hand stills on the curtain when he thinks of the night Lara Jean drove him to the park to light the floating lanterns – the night they naively promised neither would break the others heart, _I have a fear of driving in the snow…_

He spins away from the window and turns on his desk lamp then moves to his dresser to pull out clothes. He’s going to look nice like they have a date. He pulls a sweater over his head she once said he looked “so handsome” in and rubs some aftershave on then grabs his keys. It’s 10:40PM and Belleview is 15 minutes from his house. He should be getting there just as the dance ends. Just in time to take her home.

**Title: Love Again / New Hope Club (2020)**


	2. Dive Into the Deep End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean's POV

_If I show you all my demons and we dive into the deep end_ _  
Would we crash and burn like every time before?  
I would tell you all my secrets, wrap your arms around my weakness  
If the only other option’s letting go I’ll stay vulnerable_

There’s a knock on her door and she grunts in response, her dad opens it a crack as he has all week and tells her the time.

“OK” she mumbles into her pillow.

“I’m taking Kitty to her soccer game and when I get back, we’re going to the Violet’s for breakfast so be up and ready.” When she doesn’t reply he opens the door wider and raises his voice, “Lara Jean? You’ve got about 20 minutes.”

“Uh huh” she sighs but doesn’t turn over.

She listens to Kitty hollering downstairs about needing her lucky hoodie and then the house gets quiet as they move into the garage and leave. She rolls onto her back and rubs her eyes. It’s the day of the Star Ball at Belleview and originally, she planned to be up early baking eight dozen star cookies and decorating them with royal icing and sanding sugar. But since everything that happened with Peter, she’s done nothing at all except drag herself to school and then up to her room to weep and stare at her homework.

Her phone buzzes and her heart does the jump that makes her want to throw up each time – never knowing if she wants to hear from Peter or if she doesn’t. She grabs her phone and squeezes her eyes shut to open the text because she’s too afraid to change the wallpaper of them cuddling but she also can’t bear to see it.

 **JAM:** _Good morning! Ready to dance the night away? Or rather monitor Mrs. Patton’s sugar intake and that Mr. Rodriguez doesn’t drop his dentures in the punch bowl like he did at bingo last week?_

John Ambrose. Being bright and funny and too nice to her considering how lousy a friend she was to him in not disclosing her relationship with Peter. She starts her reply more than once and then settles on just laughing and worried face emojis. Her middle school love letter to John is in the drawer next to her bed. She promised she would return it but once she read it, there was no way she could let him have it back. It was too revealing and it made her anxious because she wasn’t entirely sure that the sentiments in it were exactly outdated.

 **JAM:** _Do you need a ride? I can pick you up on my way in if you want. But then you’d be stuck with me as your ride home – unless we could go somewhere after? Celebrate our geriatric party planning skillz?_

Is he…is he asking her out?

 **JAM:** _Me again, don’t know why I used the z for skills. I feel entirely lame now and not even in a cool-lame way just lame-lame. Totally understandable if you do not want a ride from someone this uncool. TBH I barely want to get in my car with myself after this embarrassment_

She actually laughs for the first time in a while at the series of face palming emoji men he inserted. She doesn’t know how to answer this though – doesn’t know if she trusts being alone with him when she feels so vulnerable and he makes it so easy to fall for him. She finally responds, _Can I get back to you on the ride offer? Need to check on the car situation with my dad. It’s definitely because of that and not at ALL because you outed yourself as lame-lame and I remain cool-lame_. And she adds a wink emoji and then does her own real-life face palm – is she flirting with him?

She drops her phone and pulls the covers over her head and lets out a loud scream because no one is home to ask her what is wrong. Kitty has been giving her the third degree daily and enlisted Margot to try and get it out of her via text but so far, she’s avoided answering either of them about what happened with Peter. What happened is she put her heart out there and hoped he wouldn’t break it – and he did. And she should have known better but she didn’t. And here they are.

She gets another text this one is from her dad with an update of how much time she has left to get ready. But she can’t face getting out of bed and starting the day. She feels too heavy with sadness, too buried in her feelings about Peter to do anything other than wallow in bed until she must get up and get ready for the party.

 **BFPeter:** _Covey, can we talk about this?? I don’t want to break up – please don’t do this_

It was the last text he sent her and she didn’t respond. After that he stopped texting and calling. No morning rides to school and he skipped out on lunch to avoid her. In biology he sat with Trevor and in the halls he averted his eyes when he saw her. It was all even more painful than she could have imagined and she’s not sure how long she can go on like this.

“LJ?” her dad is back at her door again and when he sees she’s about to cry he hurries in, “aww sweetheart, what is going on?” She shakes her head and covers her eyes and he sits on her bed, resting his hand on her knee, “Kitty said something happened with Peter. Can you tell me what it is?”

“I don’t want to talk about it” she sniffles and he’s quiet a moment, softly squeezes her leg and sighs.

“Would you tell your mom, if she were here?”

She sobs then and he makes a worried sound and pulls her into his arms. She throws her arms over his shoulders and presses her face into his coat, “it just hurts so much” she manages to get out, “I don’t know how to stop it.”

Dan Covey rubs his daughter’s back, “it will hurt less over time.”

Lara Jean sits back and wipes her eyes, “I broke up with Peter.” Her dad’s eyes soften and he reaches into his inside pocket and takes out a white cotton handkerchief and hands it to her.

“I’m sorry honey. Did something happen?” She nods and his eyes narrow, “was it something that I need call his mother and talk about his behavior towards my daughter?”

Her eyes widen, “oh – no! No dad, no. Nothing like that! Peter is a gentleman always, it’s not that, I swear.”

Dan exhales, “OK, good. I like Peter and I’d hate to think I had a reason to wring his neck.”

She twists the handkerchief in her fingers, “we had a fight and…we’re over.”

Her dad raises an eyebrow at her, “people in relationships fight, you don’t break up over one.”

“We had two” she interjects and he smiles.

“Given the time you’ve been together, two seems like a pretty low number to me. How bad were these two fights?”

She leans back into her pillows, “the first one was over pretty quickly. The second one was bad and in public and it was humiliating. I was covered from head to toe as a supportive lacrosse girlfriend. I even painted his initials and number on my face. I was trying to do something sweet for him and it ended up being a disaster.”

Her dad nods, “OK. Can you give me some more details what you fought about? Maybe I can help somehow.”

She weighs what to say to him. She knows he is trying to help and this is the most she’s been able to talk about it since it happened. But she also can’t tell him all of it – she can’t say that Peter knew all along that Gen slut-shamed her with the hot tub video or that she wasn’t even the one Peter was waiting for at the hot tub because as far as her father knows, her in a hot tub with Peter Kavinsky did not even happen.

She almost wishes now it hadn’t.

“Um…it’s just Gen – his ex. He’d been sneaking around with her and Chris caught them and when I confronted him about a photo she took of them he wouldn’t tell me what was going on between them.”

“He cheated on you?” Dan’s voice is incredulous, “that’s so disappointing, I didn’t think Peter was that kind of guy.”

“No, no” she says quickly, feeling a strange need to defend Peter, “Gen actually explained to me what was going on – her parents are breaking up and Peter has been through that and was kind of supporting her. In the end it was innocent, but it just feels like he’s always going to put her before me. Before anyone.”

Her dad sighs, “I’m not trying to defend Peter because you know I am forever Team Lara Jean” he winks at her, “but did you talk about it at all? Ask him why he couldn’t be honest that he was seeing her and the reason he was?”

“I just think he’s still not sure what he wants” she says softly, “who he wants. And…” she pauses because saying this out loud because then it’s not a secret any longer, “It’s sort of the same for me. There’s this boy named John Ambrose. He went to middle school with us then moved away and he’s volunteering at Belleview with me. He’s sweet and funny and we’re a lot alike in many ways…more ways than Peter and I are.”

She looks at her dad expecting to see some sort of disappointment in his eyes – that his daughter would be stringing along two guys at the same time. But he just nods his head.

“You and Peter are pretty different, but I never saw that as an impediment – your mom and I were pretty different from one another and we made a great team. Do you have feelings for John Ambrose? Or do you like that he’s a contrast from Peter who is acting in ways that are difficult for you to understand?”

She worries her bottom lip with her teeth. “Do you mean are my feelings about John based on John – or are they in reaction to Peter?”

Her dad shrugs, “that’s the question isn’t it? Maybe taking time off from your relationship with Peter will allow you to explore how you feel about this other boy. I mean, if Peter is going to continually keep his ex around then kick him to the curb my girl, you deserve better than that and I’m proud of you for recognizing it. But if you are running to John for reasons that aren’t right from your heart, you need to figure that out before you hurt this boy who didn’t ask to get caught between you and your boyfriend.”

“I don’t want to hurt anybody” she whispers, “and I’m so confused – about how I feel, and I’m so sad at what’s happened with Peter, and I’m curious about what might have been…might _be_ with John Ambrose.”

“I know the cure to this” her dad grins at her, “it’s to get dressed, get a full English breakfast at Violet’s” he starts pulling her to sit back up, “and pour your heart out to your dear old dad over a cup of your favorite tea.”

“That does sound more appealing than what I was planning to do which was lay here all day and cry some more,” she smiles at him, “I love you dad.”

“Love you too, now let’s get up! Let’s go! C’mon!” he drags her out of bed and they’re both laughing, “thatta girl, you can do this, I’ll even throw in a scone because you gotta feed a broken heart!”

* * *

She and Kitty are sitting at the bench at the end of their dad’s bed watching him fret about what to wear on his first date with Trina. Kitty is offering “suggestions” and pitching scenarios on what might happen on the date and how he should handle them.

Lara Jean’s contribution is to nod a lot and assure him he’s going to look great and that he doesn’t need to be so nervous. Mostly though, she’s deferring Kitty’s interrogations that come any time their dad goes back into his closet to change.

“What exactly did you and Peter fight about?”

“Kitty – we’re not talking about this.”

“Was it something he did? Or something he didn’t do? Oh! Or something he _forgot_ to do?”

Lara Jean sighs, “it’s nothing, can you drop it please?”

“ _Nothing_ ” Kitty scowls at her, “he hasn’t been here for days, you’ve been stealth crying all the time and as your cupid, I deserve an answer!”

“What about this tie?” dad steps in to save her from responding. “Do guys still wear ties on dates? Maybe that’s too formal. I should just do a button down, right? But what if that looks not dressy enough and she thinks I’m not taking it seriously?”

Kitty shakes her head and points at her sister and dad, “you two are the same person! Overthinking ev-er-y-th-i-ng. How hard is it to dress for one date anyway?”

“Harder than you think Kit” their dad laughs, “so, my fellow overthinker, tie or not?”

“Um, yeah. A tie is good. The salmon one from before looks nice with that shirt.” Her dad smiles at her and comes over and brushes his hand tenderly over her hair and Kitty takes notice.

“Wait – do you know what’s going on with her and Peter?” she demands, “how come you know and I don’t? That’s not fair at all! I’m the reason they’re even together!” She crosses her arms and glares at her sister.

“I have to get ready for the ball” Lara Jean stands up and gives her dad a hug, “you are going to look so handsome, Trina is going to have her socks knocked off.”

He kisses her head and wishes her luck for the night, “do you need a ride?”

“No” she heads to the door, ignoring Kitty’s death stare, “John Ambrose is picking me up in an hour.”

Kitty’s voice is tight as she yells after her, “WHO IS JOHN AMBROSE??”

* * *

She and John are so busy setting up she actually stops thinking about Peter for long stretches of time. They joke and laugh and work as a team moving furniture around and setting up decorations. They take turns policing the doors and herding out nosy residents who want to give their opinions on how everything should look.

When they stop to rest for a few minutes John produces sandwiches out of his backpack, “I thought we wouldn’t get a chance to eat so, this is for you” he hands her a carefully wrapped packet, “peanut butter and banana with a swirl of Nutella still your go-to sandwich Miss Covey?”

She gasps as she unwraps the wax paper, “are you serious? I haven’t had one of these in forever!” She takes a bite and moans with delight at the taste. “I can’t believe you remembered.”

He gives her a sweet smile, “well, you did eat them pretty much exclusively anytime we met at the tree house to read” he unwraps his own sandwich, “and back in the day I did study every little thing about you Lara Jean.” She is quiet as she takes this information in but before she can say anything John clears his throat, “did that sound stalker-y? I kind of feel like it did.” She can see he’s blushing and she shakes her head.

“It sounds sweet. I’m really touched you remembered. Thank you for this – it’s delicious and the banana is the perfect ripeness and you even remembered I’m a smooth peanut butter girl, not chunky.”

John laughs,“I’m a chunky man myself, but we can still be friends.”

“Can we though?” she teases, and they are both smiling as they finish their lunch in a peaceful silence.

* * *

Stormy does her hair and lends her a beautiful dress and she feels like a princess in a fairy tale – all sparkling and pretty waiting for her prince. And when John Ambrose appears at the bottom of the staircase looking handsome in a white tuxedo jacket, his gaze adoring and his hand reaching for hers it really does feel like something out of a storybook. 

There is a shift in the air between them from earlier in the day when they were chatting easily with one another and feeling comfortable together. Now she’s aware of every glance he sends in her direction and her own heart beating out new patterns and it feels OK – it feels nice with none of the pressure of being a girlfriend – of being Peter Kavinsky’s girlfriend.

They pour the punch and laugh off the matchmaking residents, eventually giving in to their urging to go and dance together. And when they do, it’s a true swept-off-her-feet moment. John Ambrose is a wonderful dancer – of course, and he cradles her in a graceful hold and waltzes her around the dance floor. He’s so good he makes her feel like she’s also gifted on her feet and she giggles as he murmurs silly things about the residents around them and tells the story about how his attempt to ask her to their middle school dance was inadvertently thwarted by her dad. When their audience gets bored and eyes turn away from them it feels like they are two figures in a music box twirling under the stars.

“You look beautiful, Lara Jean” he whispers in her ear, “I know I said that already, but it bears repeating.” She nods and thanks him. She should say something, but what? That she may have feelings for him but she’s not sure? That she definitely still has feelings for Peter, but she doesn’t know what to do about them? That in another timeline they have been sweethearts since that long-ago school dance and tonight was just one of many in their life together?

“Peter and I broke up” she blurts, and before John can respond she says, “do you want to go outside? It’s kind of hot in here, are you hot? I feel hot.” John looks bewildered but he agrees and as they head towards the patio she takes hold of his hand. She doesn’t know what she’s doing but it feels necessary to do _something_.

Outside the fairy lights are on and snow is quietly falling and she thinks of the snow globe she won at the carnival Peter took her to – how he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her temple as she shook it and they watched the snow fall around the couple inside. She feels her heart seize at the memory and John must notice on her face because he asks if she’s OK and she nods because she is – she’s here with a beautiful boy who is honest and sweet and adores her. He writes her letters and remembers her favorite sandwich and makes her feel happy and light. John Ambrose McClaren is easy. He’s easy to care about and she’s sure he’s easy to fall in love with. He’s easy to be with and talk to and he couldn’t care less about flip cup and would never take the last piece of pizza without offering it to everyone else first. She knows he would always choose her over a former love and never make her question her importance in his life.

Then they are in the snow, making snow angels like when they were kids and their fingertips brush each time they lift their arms and it doesn’t send sparks through her body but it does make her feel little waves of comfort. Being with John Ambrose is possible – she can see how they might fit together and what they’d do to make the distance work. She could be easy too. She could be happy with him and when they stand and dust the snow off and he pulls her into his arms she looks into his eyes and it’s like in a movie when the music swells and the dashing hero and his enchanting heroine slowly move towards a kiss and seal their fate, admit their love, live happily ever after.

And he kisses her. Like she knew he would and like she wanted him to only seconds ago. His lips are soft, his kiss is sweet but suddenly the bubble bursts and she feels a pang from head to toe and it’s so clear that she can’t believe it took until this moment for her to understand what she really wanted.

He pulls away and looks at her and his eyes say it all.

“I’m sorry” she whispers, “it’s not you.”

John blows out a sad breath, “no, it’s not me. It’s Peter. Isn’t it.” There is no question at the end of his words and she backs out of his arms.

“You are so good John Ambrose. I wish this was different and that I could be who you wanted me to be.”

He shakes his head, “you are exactly who I want you to be Lara Jean. There’s nothing I would change about you at all.”

She bites back a cry, “not even that I’m in love with Peter Kavinsky?”

“Do I wish you weren’t? Sure” he cracks a sad smile, “but if he’s in your heart than that’s part of you, so no, I wouldn’t change it.”

She does cry then burying her face in her hands, “I don’t deserve you” she sobs, “not even as a friend.” She expects that he’ll reach out to comfort her with a caress or a hug, but he stays where he is, keeps his hands to himself and it’s then that she realizes there is no longer a battle over her affections. That he is surrendering and to protect himself he can’t comfort her over breaking his heart.

“Are you going to take him back?”

She wipes the tears from her cheek and gulps a breath, “I don’t know if he’d take me back.”

John shakes his head, “of course he would. He loves you Lara Jean and from what I saw at the tree house, losing you is probably not what he wanted.”

“I’m so bad at this” she half laughs, half cries, “relationships. I should just stick to reading my books and watching my movies and fooling myself into believing any of that is possible in real life.”

“First loves are hard” John says sadly, “take it from me.”

She starts to apologize again but he holds his hand up, “I think maybe we should say good night and go our separate ways for now.”

“For now?” she says with a trace of desperation in her voice.

He nods, “I think with a little distance for a bit, I can get myself back into the friend zone with you Lara Jean.”

She can’t help the smile that bursts across her face, “really? Because I would love that, I really want us to be friends again, but I get it if you don’t want to. I have been a pretty terrible friend basically since you got my letter.”

John Ambrose shakes a finger at her, “speaking of that letter…it’s my property and I want it back, like we agreed.”

She scrunches her face, “is that a term for a continued future friendship?”

“Oh, yeah, it absolutely is. I won’t even _consider_ getting over you choosing Kavinsky over me until I have that letter back in my hand!”

“When you bring me home I’ll go get it.”

“About that…I think…no, I _need_ to not be with you right now. So can I call you a car to get you home? You can always send me the letter again. Or, you can send it this time – not your sister.”

“But the clean-up, there’s a ton to do.”

He shakes his head, “it’s all good” he glances towards the doors where there are still a few stragglers dancing the night away, “I think I can commandeer a clean-up crew in there. Keep them from post party hook-ups.”

Lara Jean laughs and he joins her, “are you sure? I already feel terrible and now I feel like I’m abandoning you.”

“Go home, Lara Jean” his voice is tender, “or go to Peter. But our chapter right now, it’s closed.”

She nods sadly and lifts the skirt of her dress to start to leave. “When you’re ready to start a new chapter, please let me know.”

He gives her a salute and she whispers goodbye and turns away.

**Title: Vulnerable / Selena Gomez (2020)**


	3. Baby, This is All I Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just kiss already!!

_Say you're gonna hold my head up_ _  
Say you're gonna break my fall  
Say you're gonna stay forever  
Baby, this is all I want_

She runs into Stormy and spills it all – that she and John Ambrose kissed, and it wasn’t magical it was a reality check about her feelings for Peter. And with Stormy’s encouragement to follow her heart she heads to the front door, not even knowing where she’s going but the need to see Peter drives her faster towards the exit.

And when she pulls open the door and moves out into the night air he’s there as if he’s been waiting all night for her to open the door back up to him. “You said you didn’t like driving in the snow, right?” He says, his hands in his coat pockets as he gauges her with wary eyes and takes a step closer. On their first real date she told him that the only driving she was still scared of was in the snow. And she feels a rush of memories in that very second – of Peter arriving to pick her up that night with a bouquet of flowers and pulling one out just for Kitty; of him kissing her hand over her nerves about how she would do as a girlfriend, his gaze warm and reassuring; how he held her hand while she drove and she could feel him looking over at her with pride; the way he held her as they watched their lantern rise up into the night sky and how safe she felt in his embrace as if their vows to never break each other’s hearts were as solid as the ground beneath their feet. When he asked how her first date was she told him it was perfect and it was truly the most picture-perfect night and right now she realizes that she can’t expect every moment with Peter to be perfect because he’s a real boy and this is a real relationship and not the pages of a novel to whisk her from one impossibly romantic moment to another.

Before she can say any of this though he starts up the steps his voice thick with emotion, “break my heart, Covey. Break my heart into a thousand pieces.”

* * *

He paces back and forth outside the entrance to Belleview. He had rushed over full of certainty that he was going to get her back but now that he was here, he doesn’t know how he’s going to do that. Just walk in and demand she talk to him? Declare his love for her in a room full of senior citizens? And what if she’s with McClaren? What if they are whispering together in a corner or giggling over some shared joke? What if she’s in his arms and she doesn’t even notice Peter is there? What if she’s made her choice and it’s not him?

He drops his head back and blows out an anxious breath, watching it evaporate in the chilly air. _Come on Kavinsky_ , he pep talks himself, _go inside and get your girl, just be honest and be gentle. And don’t fuck it up. Again._

He shakes off his nerves and heads to the stairs and there she is – the door swings open and Lara Jean, in a beautiful dress he’s never seen before with her hair in long soft waves and he feels his heart in his throat. She’s coming outside – is she coming for him? He says the one thing he had rehearsed on the way over, that he was there to drive her because she didn’t like driving in the snow. It felt like something that she would want to hear – that it showed how he listened to her and cared about her and yearned to keep her safe. But it wasn’t just a line, it was a hope – a hope that she would smile her sweet, beautiful smile and nod her head and climb into his Jeep. And then they would drive off together to start again.

She doesn’t say anything so he says the next thing that comes into his mind, that she can break his heart. They promised not to break each other’s hearts and then they turned around and did it and he wants her to know that his belongs to her. “Do whatever you want” he adds because he needs for her to know that even if she rejects him right now, he will still be in love with her. He is desperately, in way over his head in love with her and he’s exposing how incredibly vulnerable it makes him and that he doesn’t care because she’s worth everything to him.

She’s watching him come up to her and he can’t read her expression, but he feels like his is giving away how despairing he feels at this moment. She opens her mouth and his eyes go to her lips, her incredibly soft and kissable lips that he has missed so much these last long days. He doesn’t think he even told her that one of the reasons he’s always kissing her is because he was finally able to without secrets and contracts and with love behind each and every one.

She moves closer to him, “I love you” she says and he feels a surge through his body that feels like the day she came to the lacrosse field to tell him she had real feelings for him and he told her for the first time that he loved her.

And so he does it again, “I love you too.” She smiles her soft, sweet, only-for-him smile and he kisses her right there on the steps under the star lights and with the snow falling beyond them. He can faintly hear music from the party beyond the door but nothing at all matters other than she’s in his arms and she loves him and everything else – Gen and McClaren and all the battles over them both it is just like the music – faint noise that’s behind them.

* * *

She has missed his kiss so much. The fullness of his lips and how he has to part from hers for a few seconds as if he needs to catch his breath – as if kissing her makes him forget to breathe. When he does it this time she smiles and savors the warmth of that breath mingling with hers, he tastes minty as if he brushed his teeth before he came over here to confess his love. The pause has been long enough and she’s the one who pulls him back, kissing him deeper and moving her hand along his arm to urge him to hold her tighter.

When they part Peter rests his forehead against hers and she can see the grin on his face, “hi” he whispers, and she says it back. “Are you cold?” he wraps his arms around her, and the wool of the coat feels rough against her skin but she doesn’t even mind.

“A little. But you’re warm so it’s OK.”

He huffs a little laugh and tilts his head back, “you look amazing.”

She nods, “thanks to Stormy.”

He furrows his brow, “she may have helped but this,” he cups a hand along her face and brushes his thumb over her cheekbone, “this is all Lara Jean – you’re so beautiful.” She blushes and he leans down and kisses her cheek where he just touched, and she feels warmth flowing through her whole body. “Can you get out of here?” he asks, his eyes flickering to the doors behind her, “or do you need to stay? I can help if you need to finish up.”

“No,” she says quickly, “I can leave – John Ambrose said it was fine.” Peter nods his head and she can see he’s trying to stay nonchalant about the mention of John’s name. “But um, I should go in and get my stuff – my clothes and phone and…” she trails off because she is hit with the realization that she must tell Peter that right before he arrived, she was kissing John.

“Can I come in?” he asks, “maybe peek at what you’ve been working so hard on?”

“Sure” she says as she steps back, her voice sounding more confident than she feels, “I have to ask Stormy to let me into her room so…” she puts out her hand and he looks down with a grin and takes it, “come with me.”

* * *

“Wow” he says when he sees the ballroom with the lights and decorations, older people dancing around and looking excited and engaged. “You guys did an incredible job – this looks like a movie set or something.”

“Thanks, it was a lot of work but obviously” she gestures to a pair of giggling octogenarians twirling past them, “it was worth it. There’s Stormy.” Lara Jean points out an elegant woman who looks much younger than everyone else and starts waving to her and she comes towards them.

“Well, hello there” she says eyeing Peter, “you must be the famous Peter.” She holds out a hand covered in impressive jewelry for Peter to shake.

“Yes ma’am, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Oh, what good manners” she looks at Lara Jean, “and just as tall and handsome as you said. It’s always hard to resist a man with a head of thick beautiful hair and nice broad shoulders.”

He looks down at Lara Jean with a smirk but she ignores him, “we are going to go we have a lot to talk about” she squeezes his arm and he feels elation all over again. “Peter just wanted to see how it all came out and I thought you should meet.”

Stormy reaches into her pocket and produces a key that she hands to Lara Jean, “don’t change out of that dress my dear” she gives them a wink, “romantic nights require dreamy dresses.”

Peter tries to cover his laugh with a cough as Stormy turns with a wave and heads back into the party. His eyes follow her until they land on John Ambrose McClaren who makes eye contact with him and then shifts his gaze to Lara Jean who abruptly releases his arm. “We should go” she mutters, “get my things.”

“I’m gonna go talk to McClaren” he says, and he looks at Lara Jean whose eyes have gone wide.

“Why?”

“To apologize for being a complete dick to him at the tree house.”

“Are you going to tell him why you’re here?”

“I think he knows why I’m here, Covey. Look, I’m going to be nice, I promise. He didn’t do anything wrong – I mean, he fell for you but like, who can blame him?” he smiles at her and she nods but she looks pale. “Go get your stuff and I’ll meet you at the stairs, OK? It’s all going to be cool. I promise.”

Once she’s gone, he makes his way over to where John is standing with some other volunteers and he puts his hand out, “lookin’ sharp, Johnny.” John Ambrose shakes his hand.

“Thanks, man. I’d ask how you’re doing but I can tell by the way you’re beaming right now.”

Peter laughs, “yeah, Lara Jean and I are back together so I’ve got nothing to complain about. But I do have something to apologize for and that’s the shitty stuff I said to you at the time capsule party.”

John nods at him, “sure, well. It was kind of a weird situation, but it’s all worked out, so…”

“That’s nice of you man but I let my jealousy get the best of me and it was not cool, and I’m really sorry, you didn’t deserve any of that and it was stuff between Lara Jean and me that we’re going to figure out. Sorry you got dragged into it.”

“Peter…” John starts but then he pauses before he continues, “…just treat her right buddy, you’ve got an amazing girl and she deserves all your attention and your entire heart.”

Peter nods, “I know, I will, I will. Thanks for being so cool about everything, it was good to see you again bro. And maybe we can all hang out again sometime? With less drama though!”

“Yeah…well, you never know. Look I gotta take care of…” he gestures towards an old lady who is trying to pocket some of the decorations and before Peter can say anything else John Ambrose has moved past him.

* * *

Peter is waiting at the bottom of the stairs as he said he would be and he grins from ear to ear as she comes down. It feels like déjà vu from earlier when she was descending to a waiting John Ambrose. Her head nearly spins at all that has happened in only a few short hours.

When she reaches the bottom step, he stretches up to kiss her. “Here, lemme take those” he grabs hold of her bag of clothes and her backpack. “God you look like an angel” he murmurs and she can see the look of love in his eyes.

“Peter, I have to tell you something” she says, and she didn’t mean to be so abrupt but for anything to work between them they need to be honest no matter how painful the truth may be. “I kissed John Ambrose. Tonight, before you came. We kissed and as it was happening, I realized that it wasn’t right – he wasn’t who I wanted to be with. That I wanted you. When you found me, I was on my way to you to tell you I wanted us to be together.” She bites her lip and searches his face, “and I’m sorry – about the kiss because I know you don’t want to hear that it happened, but you need to know.” She can see his grip on her bag tightening and she thinks he might be holding his breath, “Please don’t say it’s over – not when we’ve just found our way back to each other.”

“Can I say something?” she nods her head warily, “every time we fight, or say something the other person doesn’t like hearing, or even disagree about some stupid thing – it doesn’t mean we’re breaking up. You have got to stop jumping to that anytime things are uncomfortable. It’s no way to build a relationship if you feel like the other person is going to walk out the door the minute it gets even a little bit hard. OK?”

“OK. I just don’t know…this is all new to me.”

Peter tilts his head to the door, “I know it is. Let’s go somewhere we can talk.” He walks to the door and holds it open for her and she glances back at the party and then walks outside as he follows her to his Jeep.

Inside the car is cold and Peter turns the key and adjusts the temperature settings, “we’ll get you warmed up.”

She turns her body towards him, “I can’t tell if you’re mad at me or not.”

He looks over at her, “I’m not mad at you.”

“Are you sure? I think you are and you’re just keeping it together so we don’t have a fight five minutes after we got back together.”

“You kissed McClaren and you’re not going to kiss him again. Right?” She nods vigorously, “OK, so I’m not mad. And I have to tell you something too…about Gen.”

“I know what’s going on with her parents, why you were with her that day and why you couldn’t tell me about it. She and I talked, and it was pretty good actually – it was kind of cathartic.”

He nods, “I know. I saw her this morning and she told me.” She freezes and swallows down the cry of _why are you still seeing her after all of this??_ “And that’s the last time I’m seeing her. She asked me to delete her from my phone and we agreed that we are not going to be friends anymore. It’s not good – it’s not good for you and me, Lara Jean.”

This was not at all what she expected to hear, “are you OK with that?”

“Yeah, I am it’s the right thing. For you to feel secure and to trust me, she can’t be a factor in my life. So, she’s not going to be anymore. And..” he turns and leans towards her, “unlike other people, I didn’t go and kiss her to figure out how I felt.”

She feels her heart sink and then sees that he’s grinning at her, “ohmigod, you’re the worst!” she gives his shoulder a smack and he laughs.

“I’m just stating facts, Covey! I had a rational, mature conversation with my ex while you were out kissing another guy to decide if you still liked me or not!”

“That was not what happened!” She squeals and then scrunches her nose, “wait, that is actually pretty much what happened” she covers her face with her hands and shrieks, “please, no more love triangles!”

“Or squares” Peter pulls one hand from her face and kisses it, “you, me, Gen, Sanderson, you, me, Gen, McClaren…how about just you and me?”

She nods vigorously, “I only want you Peter, I’m in love with you.”

He wraps his hand around the back of her neck and pulls her to his mouth, “that sounds so damn good coming from these delicious lips.” His kiss is heated and greedy and she shifts in her seat so she can touch him, her hands clutching at the collar of his sweater and her mouth opening to his as he groans into the soft pressure of her tongue.

And they are the only ones there – no Gen in her head telling her she’s not experienced enough for Peter, no more imaginary judgements holding her back from letting herself enjoy the pleasure of kissing him, of being desired by him. This time when his lips travel to her neck and his hand grasps at her waist she gives in to the pleasure and tilts her head to give him more skin to explore, feeling him huff his appreciation against her throat.

When he moves back to her mouth she feels dizzy and aroused, her hands scratching through his hair and the console between them a frustrating barrier to feeling more of him. “Covey” he whispers in her ear, his voice low enough to make her shiver, “do you have to make curfew tonight?”

“I can probably get an extension…ohhh” she moans as he sucks at a tender spot below her ear in reaction to her answer, “that feels really good” she sighs, and he smiles against her jawline.

“I’m going to dedicate my life to making you feel good.” He lifts his face to hers and the drowsy, aroused smirk on his face turns her on in a way she’s never quite experienced before.

“I…um…could get used to that” he’s drifting his fingers along her exposed collarbone and it’s incredibly sensual. “I’d like to learn the same…for you.” She manages to utter before he slides his hand up to the back of her head and brings her to him for another long and deep kiss.

“Goddamn” he groans when they break apart, “you are…”

“I’m what?” she coos as she places baby kisses along his forehead and down his nose, over his cheekbones, cupping his jaw in her hands and loving the feel of his fresh stubble in her palms.

“You are going to drive me fucking wild waiting for you to want to base jump with me.”

**Title: Begging / Dua Lipa (2017)**


	4. Risk it All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happily Ever After.

_Something's telling me that you're the one_ _  
I just know even if I had a heart of a stone  
You could make it bleed all on your own  
You could break it but I hope you won't_

Pulling out of Belleview’s driveway Lara Jean reaches for her phone just as Peter reaches for her hand.

“I have to ask my dad about coming home late” she says as she swipes to her messages.

His open palm rests on the console and he wags his fingers, “type one handed, I wanna hold your hand.”

“I’m left-handed, Peter – I can’t type one handed on my right hand!”

He juts his bottom lip out, “well, make it fast then!”

She giggles, “you’re so demanding” and then she takes his hand and places it on her knee and glances over to see him nodding happily.

_Peter came to Belleview for me_

**DadC:** _Did he? And that’s good, right?_

_Very! We want to spend some time talking about everything but it’s getting late and I don’t think I’ll make curfew. Is that OK?_

**DadC:** _Is being with Peter what you want?_

_It is_

**DadC:** _And you’ll make smart decisions and take care of yourself?_

_Just the way I was raised to_

**DadC:** _OK. If you’re going to be later than 2AM then text me. And remember, I’m a doctor who gets woken up in the middle of the night all the time, I will text you at 2:01 if you’re not in this house and I will not be happy about it_

_Thank you, daddy! I promise I’ll check in or I’ll be there. I love you!_

She slips her phone into her purse and picks up his hand to hold between both of hers. “OK, curfew is reset, where should we go?”

Peter looks over at her with a big smile, “I know the perfect place.”

* * *

They hand their menus back to the waitress and as soon as she’s left them Peter leans over and kisses her cheek. He insisted they sit on the same side of the booth and they’re pressed right up against each other.

“This was a good idea” she says as she turns to face him.

“It’s kind of our place, right?” he grins at her, “cherry cokes and milkshakes, love letters and offers for rides home.”

She giggles, “what would life be like right now if I hadn’t let you drive me home that day? Just got on my bike and went home and pretended my letters getting sent never happened?”

“My life would suck” he nuzzles her hair, “it wouldn’t have you in it” he looks up at her, his eyes earnest, “I need you in my life Lara Jean, please don’t leave it again.”

“OK” she whispers, “I won’t.”

The waitress returns with their drinks and they manage to break apart to sip their sodas and Peter clears his throat, “now that we’ve got a few hours, can we talk about us?”

She nods and half laughs, “where do we even start?”

Peter is quiet a moment then turns in his seat so he’s looking right at her, “I have one more confession to make and then I promise you, there are no more secrets, nothing that I’m keeping from you to protect you. And there won’t be ever again. I have seriously learned my lesson about honesty with you Lara Jean, I’m never going to risk it again. Not when I know you will walk away from me if I’m not completely up-front all the time.”

She feels her chest tighten but she knows that fear cannot govern her anymore, she has to be open to everything and not judge him before knowing all the facts, hearing his thoughts about what he’s saying or why he’s doing something. She must practice acceptance and not hold him to standards that are all in her head and not even rooted in real things.

“You were the one I was waiting for at the hot tub. Not Gen. She didn’t even know I was there because I didn’t tell her. And she didn’t take the video she just got it from someone else…no excuse for _any_ of that by the way, what she did with it or why I kept the truth from you about it.”

Lara Jean shakes her head, “but you said…”

“I didn’t though” he blows out a breath, “you were so pissed at me in the parking lot and you had reason to be, I get that – but when you said that she was my first choice my brain just cracked – that you would think that it didn’t matter to me who showed up that night, that you just got there first and you and I shouldn’t even be together. So, I didn’t contradict you because it hurt…”

“…and you wanted to hurt me back” she says quietly.

Peter squeezes his eyes shut, “it was such a dick move – I know” he opens his eyes and she can see the pleading in them, “I am so, so sorry. What happened between us that night was more than I ever even let myself hope for. It was everything – you were so sensual and vulnerable and letting you think for even a minute that you weren’t the one I wanted, who I was waiting for – of all the shitty things I’ve done to you Lara Jean, that one I regret the most.”

They are both quiet and she watches him swallow hard and she presses her hand against his cheek, “everything around that night is complicated but what happened between us at the hot tub is not. Not at all.”

He leans into her palm and she brushes her thumb along his cheekbone. “We’re not going to re-write history, OK? The video and the pictures, your secrets and my accusations – they all happened, and we can’t wish them away so let’s just accept them and remember that night for what it was, a truly meaningful and romantic moment just between us – _about us_. The rest is just noise Peter, it’s noise that we can stop hearing if we decide to. If we decide together.”

He puts his hand over hers and turns his face to kiss the heel of her palm, “I don’t deserve you.”

“Hey” her voice is firm and she holds his face in her hands, “don’t say that. It’s not true. Not at all. Now, are we on the same page?”

He nods, “absolutely.”

She smiles, “can we turn it and start a new page? A fresh one where you are not constantly protecting me from any possibly upsetting thing and I am not forcing you up on a pedestal to perform as a perfect romantic hero 24/7?”

Peter grins, “turn it Covey, let’s do this.”

* * *

“I think what I missed once we started dating for real is that we stopped talking to each other” Lara Jean is swirling her straw in her milkshake as Peter watches her intently. “When we were faking we had some of the most honest conversations that I’ve ever had with anyone but then I was your girlfriend and somehow those just…stopped.”

“Yeah” Peter nods, “I missed that too although I don’t think I realized that’s what it was until you said it. I think I just felt a little melancholy for some reason which felt weird because I had what I wanted – I had you.”

“We probably filled up those spaces that had been for talking with other stuff…like kissing.” She sucks on her straw and he chuckles.

“That’s fair!” He reaches for the curled tendrils of her hair and rolls them around his fingers, “once I could kiss you – touch you – it was all I wanted to do. It’s hard not to when I’m with you. Does it bug you?”

She shakes her head, “no, I love how affectionate you are! It’s feels amazing to feel so loved, so wanted. I love holding your hand and when you put your arm around me, or nuzzle my neck – just, all of it is good Peter, really, really good. It’s just that I still want to talk too – I love talking to you and listening to you as much as I love the PDAs and making out in your Jeep.”

“Do you remember the first time you came to my house for dinner and after when we were cleaning up you told me about those moments where you feel guilt for almost forgetting your mom?” she nods, “You told me I was a good listener and no one ever said that about me before, Covey. I’ve heard that I’m good at sports, that I’m cool or popular or cute or whatever – I’ve heard a lot of things about myself that have made me feel good, made me feel like I was important or special. But being told I was a good listener made me feel _valuable_. Like I had something to offer that wasn’t based on how I looked or how well I could block a shot. And I don’t want you to have to take that back – that I don’t listen, that I’m not listening to you. I love listening to you, I love talking to you and learning about you and I want all that back too, really badly.”

She smiles at him, “we’re just going to have to learn how to balance this” she gestures between them to emphasize their conversation, “with this” and she kisses him. “I love being your girlfriend Peter, but I loved being your friend, too.”

“It is pretty awesome to be able to make out with your friend when she’s so damn gorgeous” he grins as he leans forward to kiss her again. When he sits back, she takes another sip on her straw and he can’t help but ask, “you’re OK with not having a handbook?”

She furrows her brow, “a handbook?” then realization hits about what she said at their argument at the tree house, “look, that may have been a silly thing to say but I stand by it! It’s stressful trying to navigate all this for the first time!”

He shakes his head, “you’re over thinking it Lara Jean, it’s not hard – just be yourself. I love you, I fell in love with who you are, why would I want you to be different now because you’re my girlfriend?”

She twists her mouth to the side, “it did feel very easy when we were faking. So easy that sometimes it felt real.”

“Covey” he says in a voice rich with affection, “that’s because we were falling in love with each other, right?” she nods, “that’s how it should always feel – easy and natural. This isn’t a test, OK? I’m not grading you and I’m _not_ comparing you ever. Just be Lara Jean, just be the girl I fell for, that’s all there is to it.”

“I can do that” she asserts, “the being myself part – I can’t make any promises about the not over thinking everything.”

“I realize that part is a very big ask” he grins at her and then covers up her gasp with a kiss.

* * *

“I want to say something,” he says as they head out of the diner, they’ve reached his car and she turns and looks at him expectantly, “you looked amazing dressed up for my game…I loved it and I didn’t get to tell you that.”

“It was fun” she says with a soft smile, “up until well, it wasn’t.”

He nods sadly and steps closer to her, “do you think you’d ever do it again? I get if you don’t want to – you just did it to make me happy and it probably left a bad aftertaste in your mouth so, I understand if it was one and done.”

She moves her arms around him and he quickly brings her against his body, “I could do it again…replace the memory of the first time.”

“Yeah?” he looks down at her, his eyes hopeful, “that would be pretty cool. I’d get to enjoy it longer.”

She goes up on her tiptoes and whispers against his lips, “how about your next home game? And I’ll keep it all on for the party afterwards too.” She likes the low growl he makes, “that’s a yes then?” and he answers her with a hard kiss and a hand pressing into the small of her back making her feel lightheaded and she grips his arm to urge him to hold her closer and he makes the same sound, this time even deeper.

“God, I love when you do that” he hisses and she peers up at him.

“What did I do?”

“You push my arm like you want us even closer like however tight I’m holding you it’s not enough, you want more – you want more of me.”

“I do want more of you, Peter, so much more” and when he responds by moving his hand down to her lower back, she’s the one who makes a soft greedy sound and because now she knows how much he likes it, she tugs his arm again.

He closes the space between them and the Jeep until she’s pressed against the door and he slides his hands down to her hips and with a tug, makes sure they meet his. Her hands are pawing at him and there is an urgency in them that feels like it’s consuming them both. “Covey” he pulls away and she looks dazed, “let’s get in the car before we give everyone at the diner a free show.”

* * *

He drives for a while and they just talk about little details from their days apart – Kitty’s winning soccer goal and his mom burning dinner because she was entranced by Tik Tok dance challenges; they gossip about Chris and Trevor and compare notes about what they know from the both of them; they share their favorite exhibits at the aquarium even though the day they spent there was so painful for them both.

“Oh, hey” Peter says, “that reminds me…” he slows down and pulls over the side of a street. When the car is parked Lara Jean looks over at him and he smiles because he’d put his coat around her outside the diner and she looks adorable enveloped in it. He reaches into the center console and lifts something out.

“Oh…” she murmurs when she sees the familiar chain in his fingers, “my locket…”

He holds it up to her, “I don’t think you wanted me to take it back, and I didn’t want it back…but it’s yours Lara Jean, if you want it.”

Her eyes go big, “of course I want it!” He laughs at the fervor of her response, “and no, I didn’t want you to take it back, but I thought that was the rule!”

Peter shakes his head, “you with the rules! What rule, Covey?”

“Well,” she tosses her hair back, “when a woman breaks off an engagement the etiquette is to return the engagement ring. Does that not apply here?”

“We’re in high school and this is a necklace so no, pretty sure if you’d wanted to keep it and toss it out a moving vehicle, that would have been in your rights to do so.”

She exaggerates a pout, “no way would I ever do that!” then she juts her head forward to expose her neck and he knows she wants him to put the necklace back on her, but it’s too tempting to _not_ bend his face down and kiss her there instead. She sighs and her hands go into his hair, “Peter” she whispers, “ummm, I…uh…like when you do…” he opens his mouth and lets his tongue swipe softly in the tender valley between her throat and collarbone, “…that, _ohmigod_ ” He can feel her whole body becoming pliant and has to control a very powerful urge to feel her up. He redirects himself to open her hand and place the locket in her palm, reluctantly pulling himself away from her to look at her as she closes her fingers around it.

“It’s yours” he whispers, and she smiles so sweetly he falls even more in love, “open it up.”

She lifts the locket and fingers at the clasp, and it makes the tiniest creak as it falls open and she squints as she touches the scrap inside. “Is this…” she runs her fingertip over it, “from the carnival?” She looks up at him and he nods.

“I found my ticket stub in my pocket and I couldn’t throw it out. It felt like evidence, you know? That we existed – that we had been together and were happy and I know technically it was only our second true date and it was completely spontaneous because I’d been such a screw-up beforehand, but…”

“…it was magical” she sighs, “it was one of the best nights of my life.”

He breaks into a grin at this, “mine too. So, this is in here because I want you to always think of that night and the way it felt, how it can be between us when we just let ourselves be together and be in love.”

“I thought this was the most romantic gift ever the first time you gave it to me,” she looks up at him and he can see a tear brimming so he brushes it away with the pad of his thumb, “but you managed to make it even more romantic the second time, Peter Kavinsky.” She nudges the stub back inside and carefully closes the locket and holds it out, “will you put it back on me?”

She starts to turn in the seat but he stops her and keeping his eyes on hers he moves his hands around the back of her neck and after a few seconds, gets the clasp connected and she smiles, her hand fluttering up to feel it back against her chest. They kiss and rest foreheads against each other, “that was pretty impressive” she says, “without being able to see what you were doing.”

“If you’re impressed by that” he leans towards her ear, “you should see what I can do with a bra” and even in the dark he knows she’s blushing.

* * *

**DadC:** _It’s 1:53 and I think you’re not going to make late curfew. You have until 5AM and when I get up for work, you will be in your bed having acted responsibly in the preceding hours. Are we clear?_

_Yes, 100% clear – you have my word!_

* * *

They take turns writing in the dewy morning wet on the Jeep’s rear window, Lara Jean starts, _1\. Talk to each other_ and Peter steps up and presses his fingertip over the glass, _2\. Always be honest_

“How many are we shooting for?” he asks as she nestles against him and he feels her shoulders shrug.

“What else is important to you?”

He thinks for a minute and then adds, _3\. PK will still write LJ notes, LJ will send PK more letters_

She looks up at him, “really? You want me to write you letters?” He grins down at her then inserts “love” and she laughs, “love letters take a lot longer than notes, you know” she teases.

“Do you remember how many notes I wrote you? I got this.”

She laughs, “OK fair enough.” She lifts her hand to the window then hesitates for a moment before touching the surface, _4\. Taking physical stuff slow – but steady_

“Woah” he murmurs, “I feel like this is a very strong list, Covey” and he squeezes her tighter against his side. “One last one…” _5\. KISSING!!_

She giggles, “you’re still annoyed by that one, huh?”

“I’m just sayin’ we could have gotten together way sooner if we’d been able to make out the first time around!”

“We’ll never know now, will we?” she scrunches her nose at him with a smile then puts her signature in the dew and Peter follows with his and rests his cheek on the crown of her head as they both look at their list. “This isn’t a contract, it’s a commitment we’re making to each other” her voice floats into the crisp dawn air, “and now we know what we both need” she nods, and Peter presses his forearm on the window and wipes it all away.

* * *

Her dad is in the kitchen brewing coffee when she comes in at 4:56AM. She is exhausted and elated, her skin chilled but her heart warm and near bursting.

“Thank you, dad” she goes right to him and embraces him, “we had the most beautiful night and it couldn’t have happened without you giving me the chance to have it.”

Dan hugs her back and kisses the top of her head, “all made up?” Under his chin her head bobs. “That’s good sweetheart. How did John take it?”

She steps back and blows out a breath, “like the kind, sweet, wonderful boy he is.”

“Well,” her dad grins as he sips his coffee, “sounds like you had a tough call to make between such strong suitors.”

She shakes her head, “I didn’t though. It was always Peter, I just needed to let go of my romantic fantasies and love the boy he is – charming and thoughtful and tender – and stop expecting him to be some fantasy boy that can’t possibly exist except in fiction.” Her dad smiles warmly at her and she gives him a peck on the cheek, “I am completely exhausted and going to bed!”

“Good night,” he calls after her as she retreats up the stairs, “and your curfew has reset to 11PM!”

* * *

Peter flops on his bed with his coat still on. He can’t wipe the smile off his face, and he lifts the lapel and inhales, trying to see if Lara Jean’s scent is still inside it, imagining that the warmth he feels is because it was wrapped around her body all night.

She loves him. She loves him only and she chose him when she had a decent alternative – he knows he’s lucky and he knows he is not going to fuck it up again. He’s going to be honest always – devoted every minute and above all he’s going to be patient because these are still new waters for her and she’s still a little anxious and uncomfortable with unknowns.

But her confidence was already showing in the way she kissed him that morning as they walked back to his Jeep in the rising morning light, he could feel her eyes looking over at him as they held hands and he was enjoying her gaze when she stopped and pulled him into a kiss that left no doubt in his heart that she was as committed to him as he to her, that she loves him just as much as he loves her, and that moving towards the fourth item on their commitment list is going to be unimaginably exciting.

He pulls his dying phone out and manages to reach over to put it on his nightstand and knocks a colorful tab of paper onto his bed. Squinting he picks it up and starts to laugh – the other half of the carnival ticket stub. He’ll put it in his wallet like a touchstone, the way she has the rest of it inside her locket.

**Title: Risk it All / The Vamps (2014)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope this gave some of you the closure that it gave me about the sequel. It's a movie that had a lot of potential but fell short for me in a lot of areas (that I used this to fix!)
> 
> Next month I will be posting the sequel to _All the Strings Attached_ so for those of you who have patiently waited for the last year (!!) - your time has come! If you haven't read it yet, you have a few weeks to get caught up 😉

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Always You / Louis Tomlinson (2020)
> 
> Chapter 1: Pull You Back  
> Chapter 2: Dive Into the Deep End  
> Chapter 3: Baby, This is All I Want  
> Chapter 4: Risk It All
> 
> Like all writers I crave feedback! Please share in the comments if you have any and thank you for reading!
> 
> [Find me on Tumblr! Hit up my inbox!](https://queenie-004.tumblr.com/)


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